Step 2

So, we’re in phase two of our homeless situation.  We’re now at Auntie Jen Jen’s house.  No more small apartment!!!  I’m glad!  Although, this place feels like a mansion compared to that tiny apartment!!

Silas was put in the dark family room for a nap.  He played, and played and then cried and then screamed.  So we had a cuddle.  I put him down and he freaked but I left anyway and let him freak.  He didn’t stop freaking for a very long time so I went down for another cuddle but I kept him in the playpen.  When I tried to leave, he threw his leg over the side, flipped over and landed on his back.  The freaking out turned even uglier.  So now he’s playing on the deck.  Ike wont eat because he’s too sleepy but he can’t stay asleep cuz I think he’s hungry.  Silas just dismantled the screen door.  Sorry Jennie, Brent will fix it I promise.

I set Brent up with a few appointments today.  He’s getting his eyes done and getting a haircut.  I hope the lady does a good job.  If not I guess I can fix it for him.  I packed my scissors by “accident”.  I tried to get him in to see the doc about his ears because he’s not hearing well but he was booked.  Oh well.  Brent might hate me for all the appointments.

Anyway, Silas is crying and Isaac is awake. Time to read Junie B Jones and “nurse” again.  Someone should come here to keep me company!

Awkward moment

I always feel slightly awkward after writing a really depressing post.  I feel weird writing the next day.  I’m feeling better today.  Looks like things will be mended and that makes me a lot happier.

This apartment is almost entirely empty and it feels like I can breathe easier.  I’m not so cramped but I am without some every day essentials that I thought I wouldn’t miss.  Like salt…I needed some salt this morning.  Tomorrow we move to Auntie Jen Jen’s for two nights and then we’re in our home.  My own home…with my own things.  What wonderfulness that will bring me!!!  Then we start tearing the place apart right away.  YAY!

Our trip to the lake was interesting.  It was cold out and Silas played in the water naked.  I’ve never seen his boy parts look so incredibly small…I didn’t know they could get that tight!  It was funny.  He was shivering and playing and would freak out if we took him away from the water.  He pretty much had like 20 tantrums that whole time.  It wasn’t the most fun.  He also went on a wild goose chase…literally.  He picked up and kissed and stranger’s soccer ball that had been rolling around in goose poo.  Hmmm I wonder why my MIL calls him an “individual” ha ha.

Anyway, I am much better today.  I’m just going to soldier on until this hard time has passed.  Almost done.  Or as Silas would say momost done.

Shit Happens in Clumps

Pardon my french but I’m feeling crappy today, I sometimes swear and this is my blog so if you don’t like it then scroll down a bit and you wont see the potty word.

I think I’ve come to the end of my rope.  It seems like crappy thing after crappy thing has been happening to me amongst high stress situations and I’m feeling like I’m done.  First eviction, then trying to find a house, not knowing where I’m going to be living for a month, the car accident, major family issues, having a baby, post pardom depression, a toddler who forgot what no means, a looming mortgage, moving, living in someone else’s 500 sq ft apartment for a month, an infant who’s decided that nursing sucks, moving again, renovation stress….And now, someone who I thought was a friend, someone I thought I wasn’t close to anymore because of just every day living and being busy, actually has been holding a grudge for a long time.  So now I’m really hurt and really confused.  I’ve invested too much of myself into that relationship and I guess I held on to too much of it over these distant years.  I haven’t slept much and now I’m just typing and crying and shaking and going over things I want to say but feeling like I can’t.  Isaac doesn’t want to nurse again so that makes the sadness worse.

Why do bad things need to happen in clumps?  I feel I function really well under high stress situations.  I’m adaptable, I’m easy going but I do have a boiling point and I think I’ve reached it.  I keep feeling bad because who am I to be sad?  This situation could be 1000 times worse.  People endure SO much worse.  I need to keep smiling and keep counting my blessings.  I guess it’s all relative anyway.  This is relevant to me and this is my hurt, I’m owning it and I’m allowed to feel sad about it.

I don’t know where to go from here.  I feel shut out, like I’m not allowed to say anything to attempt to make the friendship better.  I have a really hard time letting go without closure.  If I let something like this go it just festers.   I’ve given this person too much power I guess.  A best friend from long ago that I held onto for too long.  Thinking my kids would call him uncle, thinking we’d have him and his wife come stay with us sometimes.  Blindly going on in life thinking everything was fine.  I never thought it could end like this.  I really hate hurting like this.

I’m really just wanting someone to put me to sleep until we’re moved into our house.  It seems like that’s marking the point where things will get easier.  I keep thinking that once I’m there I’ll be motivated to exercise, that I’ll suddenly turn into someone who’s not a complete hermit.  That I’ll feel a bit more free and a lot more comfortable.  How come we want to grow up so badly so we can feel free?  How come we don’t realize that once we grow up we’re more bound and chained than we ever were?  Why can’t we erase the people that hurt us and take back all the time we invested in them?

Anyway, sorry, I hope I didn’t depress anyone here.  I’m just really hurting right now.  I’m feeling very stuck with nursing Ike as well.  Too much is going on!!  Time for a hot shower with my little baby.

Double The Trouble

A quick little morning post today.  We’re off to the lake with Auntie Jen Jen and family.  I’ll have a billion photos to post and I’m also taking the video camera.  You’ll be in an ocular enjoyment wonderland.

Here’s the main reason for this post: Isaac, my almost 9 week old infant, is 16 pounds.  Yes, 16 pounds.  He’s gaining a pound/week right now.  You know when kids are supposed to double their birth weight at 5 months?  Well, he’s done it already.  You can just imagine the amount of rolls I’m dealing with here.  I found one yesterday that was rather unclean…yikes.  They should be feeding my milk to people with weight gain issues.

And we’re off.

A Blessing In Disguise

I woke up yesterday to a nasty nasty surprise.  Silas had woken up, pooped and then played with his poop a little.  The nappy didn’t come off but his hands went in it.  Sick!  Into the tub he went, wash, dry, new nappy, get dressed…strip the bed.  Then, not remembering that my son copies the last word of ever sentence I said “Silas, don’t play with your $#!^” and Silas…well…you know.  Oops.  Swearing is bad, don’t do it.  After breakfast we headed to Auntie Ju ju’s house to do some washing.  Yadda yadda yadda.

Upon returning home I noticed some silly cop-a-roo giving a bunch of parking tickets out.   On Thursdays you aren’t supposed to park on the street for a few hours during that day for street sweeping.  They never hand out tickets.  I had to park WAY down the street and as I was carrying the freaking heavy baby carrier and holding Silas’ hand down the street, the cop told me that I could park where I wanted to in the first place.  Jerk.  I told him I didn’t want to haul my kids all the way back.  Poo on him.  And how was this all a blessing you might ask?  I didn’t get a parking ticket.  I would have if Silas hadn’t decided that his own excrement made a suitable toy for morning play time.  I’d rather deal with a little poop than a parking ticket.  PHEWF!

My mind lately has been consumed with paint colors.  Which ones to choose?  Am I choosing too much blue?  Do I need some more warm colors?  Should I choose the paint first or the bathroom tile first?  I think I dreamed about paint colors all night last night…except for a weird demon dream involving people in my church…creeeepy.  I’ve chosen my bedroom color and my living room color.  Both blues.  I’m surprising myself.  I used to be all about the tans, browns and beiges.  I think blue will give me more energy than neutrals.  I need something uppity!

That’s all folks!

Blogsvertise

Since I’m obsessed with blogging, I thought I might try this new thing out called Blogsvertise.  What happens is they send me an email every once in a while from a sponsor.  I click the link and read about this sponsor then I write a little something in my blog about it.  Using Blogsvertise will help me earn extra cash which I am excited about because sometimes I feel bad that I don’t make any as a stay at home mom.  Don’t worry, this wont effect the content of my blog.  I can work it into my blog without really destroying the content.  I trust the money I make through Blogsvertise because they pay you through Pay pal which is a service I’ve used a lot before.  Anyway, I’m excited and I hope you are too.  You should go check it out yourselves!!

Thursday Thirteen #4

Thirteen things I la la la LOVE

These things that I la la la love aren’t necessarily the things I love most. I’m not involving people because that would fill it all up alone!

1. A good cup of coffee. It’s gotta be strong and it’s gotta have cream. No sugar!

2. New stationary. I get a little crazy in Costco when I can view it in bulk. That tub of jiffy markers gets me every time. Back to school commercials are just too much.

3. The warm feeling that stays inside you for a while after a really good cuddle.

4. Finding money I didn’t know I have.

5. Watching tap dancing. It actually moves me. I weep.

6. My husband’s eyes

7. My camera, it takes nice pictures.

8. Picking stuff. Noses, zits, scabs, ear wax. It doesn’t have to be my own. Pick pick pick. Yay!

9. Streaking virgin* hair blonde. It’s like a blank canvas and I love it. Touching it up after is a different story.

10. Laughing really hard.

11. Floating on my back in the middle of a lake that’s the perfect temperature.

12. Catching a fish.

13. My hair, I like the color, the texture, everything. I really like my hair.

* virgin hair is hair that hasn’t been touched by chemicals. Like mine!

Breastfeeding Frustrations

Ok so anyone else have a baby who gets milk streaming out of his nose when breastfeeding?  Yes, streaming.  Like it’s going in his mouth and then straight out his nose.  And no, he’s not laughing.  I do have a tendancy to have things come out of my nose.  Especially when I’m with Courtenay.  She’s made many things go up my nose including carrot.  I hope there’s not something wrong with Isaac’s whole system there that’s making this happen.

Breastfeeding is getting annoying.  Ike is having a pretty hard time during the day.  I think I might go see a lactation consultant to see if there’s any tricks out there.  I know Silas pulled his head back and screamed bloody murder when I was nursing him too.  So frusterating!  Ike doesn’t scream bloody murder but he still cries and cries.  Sometimes he cries when I just offer him my breast, like he’s not looking forward to this next feeding.  He seems to get a gap somewhere so he sucks in some air causing him to cough and swallow air and then he’s pissed because he has a burp in there which takes forever to get out of him.  His latch is best at night time.  It’s perfect then and he likes to keep it latched for two hours sometimes.  I dunno, I guess I’m getting used to that part.

I’m glad I’m a person who formula is just not an option.  I like all natural things.  It’s how I eat and live so my mind is just very made up about that.  The only cleaning things in my house that aren’t all natural is my shampoo, but I’m a hairdresser so I’m picky.  I’ve been through a troubling nursing time before so I know I can get through it again.  I’m just frustrated.  Another thing I’m frustrated with is my sweet little Silas only sleeping an hour and a bit and is now screaming in his bed room.  I guess it’s now time for me to go.  Will the teething ever end?

An Abomination

I can’t stand Isaac right now. The nerve of what he’s doing, the manipulation in it all. He’s just being so doggone precious and I’ve had enough. He is truly sublime and it’s just too much to cope with. Even as I type he’s happily cooing away in the bouncy chair. Can you believe it people? You must be horrified of my situation, it’s an abomination. Really.

Here’s some proof

It’s funny if you listen to what Silas is saying in the background.  I’m kind of embarrassed by my baby-talk but I assure you my voice is always that young-sounding anyway.  Note our bed behind Silas’ highchair.  Yes, we really are living in close quarters.

Anyway, enough of being a smart ass. We went to a Discovery Toy party (we being Isaac and I) which was held at Auntie Leanne’s house and it was lovely. I purchased a few toys that I think will be a hit in our house. I’m thinking I might want to be a rep for them. It’d be a cool way to earn money (you don’t earn that much) and that would make me feel good. You can work as much or as little as you want. You just have to sell 125 bucks/year to keep up your status. Anyway, I’m thinking about it.

I’m trying to nurse Ikey while I type and it isn’t going so well. He gets so overwelmed by my speedy let down. He’s just crying now. Crying and sweating. Nursing is my least favorite Isaac activity. I really cannot wait to have my own body back.

I have a dilemma. I really scored on my last birthday and got like 200 bucks and I have no idea what to get for myself. Here’s some options I’ve thought of: saving it for when I reach my goal weight and then buy clothes, get an exercise stepper, get a tattoo (sorry grandma), do something practical like get something I need for my house, get a membership to a gym. Okay any other ideas? I really don’t know what I should do. When I was little I just mainly spent my birthday money on chocolate bars but now when I have money that I am allowed to spend on anything, guilt free, I take my time. I also got a $100 gift certificate for the spa as well so I’m going to start using that next month!

Moist

Ever notice how moist and damp life becomes after having babies? There’s a million damp situations to deal with every day. Pee, leaking pee, peeing during a diaper change, spit up, wet breast pads, sloppy nursers getting milk everywhere, spurting breasts all over the babies face when they take the latch off, drool, mystery wet spots, sweat. Say what? Sweat? Yes in my case there’s a lot of sweat. Isaac sweats like a 13 year old Neanderthal Man on a very hot day. This usually only occurs while nursing and I can’t decide if it’s actually funny or incredibly gross. I’m on the fence with that one. It’s kind of entertaining because I can give him fun hairstyles with his soaking hair while he nurses. I find myself playing in the sweat a lot. I’m kind of weirded out by the back of his hand sweat though. Yes, there’s sweat pouring out of the back of his hands. I can’t touch them, it bothers me. I swear I might have to break out the Degree for that boy soon. Silas has stinky feet and Isaac has B.O.! Well the stinky feet part is true, which is also slightly alarming.

It is insanely humid here right now which is making the moisture issue even more of an…issue. Everything everywhere is just feeling damp. I swear mushrooms are going to start growing, not only in my damp dark bra but perhaps dark corners of the house. I actually had mushrooms growing in the first car I owned. It leaked so there were puddles in the back seats and mushrooms were sprouting. It was my little garden I could take with my anywhere. Lovely.

Anyway, time to indulge in a bit more moisture, the dishes need a wash. Someone put me to sleep and wake me up when I own a dishwasher again. I’ll let you know if I actually do the dishes or play on Facebook instead. I’m bidding on the latter.

So Silas got up early so no dishes or facebook *sigh*