I Should Be Cleaning and Not Writing So Much!!

Holy cow it’s 3:30 and I haven’t blogged. I was letting Ikey slurp away at my bossoms while talking for hours on the phone with Jill. We hadn’t had a good, long phone call in a while. It was much needed. Ikey sucked for over an hour, but there wasn’t much milk. He hardly ate anything yesterday so I just let him go at it. He needs to get better at this nursing thing. I was practically in tears this morning, dreading how nursing is going to go today. But, so far so good so I’m happy. The past two days have been a nightmare. I’m scared to try him on my left side because he’s really favoring the right. Looks like I’m going to have the do some strange maneuvering and positioning to get him to suck on the left. Grrrrr. I actually mainly hate nursing him but I wont give up no no no I wont. I couldn’t deal with the guilt. I’m OK with mom’s bottle feeding if they’re OK with it and themselves but I can’t be OK with myself and do it. Is it OK that he doesn’t get much fore milk? I just pump a lot of it off before we nurse so it doesn’t shoot down his poor little throat so fast. I can get about 5 ounces of just fore milk out in 1-3 minutes depending on the time of day. I’ve seen it after it’s settled and there’s hardly any fat on top so I’m sure it’s mostly fore milk. I can’t wait until this is easier. Once I’m done nursing this fellow I’m going to consume a sinful amount of of a certain beverage and stay out to an unruly time of night. Who’s with me?

I’m thinking of using some strange and drastic measures to try and pay off debt. Even though we aren’t in as much debt as most Americans who don’t actually own ANY of their possessions, it still haunts me daily. I’m thinking of finding people that will give me their bottles that I can get a deposit on…yes I’m thinking of collecting freaking cans to pay off debt. But if I get enough people that would like leave them out for me once a week and I’d pick them up then I think I could make a pretty penny each week. I’ll have to wait until I get my minivan. I’m getting desperate to pay it all off. If we paid it all off (minus the mortgage), we’d have an extra $500/month MINIMUM!! So goal: pay off freaking debt. I’m also taking donations, seriously. You can donate to “Project Get Leah Out Of Debt” through paypal. The email address is ugly_poodle@yahoo.ca and every dollar counts!! Ha ha. Once I’m out of debt then I can get a sponsor chid which I’ve been wanting to have FOREVER plus I feel like I can be more generous with other things, like tithing…who tithes?? Not me…can’t afford it.

ONTO OTHER THINGS!!

I need to go accomplish something today. I’d like things to be a bit cleaner in here so I guess I should go do just that. This weekend Brent and I need to get more paint on the walls and the closet organizers up so I don’t have heaps of laundry everywhere that has no home. We got two of those boxes of Configurations from Costco, they have them cheap there. So we’ll have nice closet organizers in our room and Silas’ room. Woot. I know the color I want for Silas’ room (thanks Jill) so we’ll go get that and some white paint for the closets (because Jill said we must paint them). Closets should be painted white right? I think so. Brent should have our doors as well today so he can hopefully get those up too. Yay new doors and bifolds and paint. The quote we got on our kitchen cabinets are too much so we’re going to fax the drawings to a few other companies and see what they have to say. I love the drawings so we’ll keep them. Otherwise we’re going to Ikea because we know it’ll be cheap…just not custom.

Anyway, time to clean and all that goodness. I hope I can get everything together for our housewarming. If you know us then you can come. It’s between 12 and 7 on the 8th it just an open house so come whenever. If you don’t know me then too bad, you’ll have no idea how to get here anyway. MUHAHAHA.

K bye!

Thursday Thirteen #7

I have no idea what to do for Thursday Thirteen today. I’m just not gunna do it!!

I feel like I’m on the up and up. I was a bit down but today I went for a walk which is a very good thing. Haven’t done that in ages. I’m shaking I’m so hungry. Ike was like “yes I’ll nurse, no I wont, yes I’ll nurse, no I wont” this afternoon and now he’s sleeping. He did get a little food. I haven’t had time to eat. I AM drinking a Corona on an empty stomach which will lead to some fun in a few minutes. I remember what I wanted to do for Thursday Thirteen so lets do it baby.

Thirteen Things about me me me me

1. I don’t ever want to be pregnant again
2. I want my body back
3. I want my freedom back
4. I want to be able to do cool stuff with my kids but I feel so stuck at home. Once the boys are older there’s so many things to do. If I add another child to the bunch then we just have to wait that longer. I’m super anal about naps.
5. I can’t be guaranteed that it’s going to be an easy baby
6. Two kids is really busy already.
7. I want to be able to afford the give my kids opportunities to have lessons and travel
8. There’s more I want to do with my life than have kids. I’m ready to watch these kids grow up and move onto the next phase of my life
9. The post pardom hormones drive me crazy…I can’t stand them
10. With my time management and organizing issues, things would start getting even worse
11. MY husband doesn’t want anymore
12. Flying to Manitoba for Christmases wouldn’t be able to happen as easily
13. My husband and I like to relax, three kids doesn’t sound very relaxing.

There you go. My tummy is more full now, of food not just beer. Every stay at home mom should drink a beer in the afternoon.

Ike has been worse at nursing again. Especially in the afternoon, he just wont have it. I got him to take a bottle yesterday though. No luck with it today but I’m going to try daily.

Yesterday Leanne came over with Lucas and Jill was here with Cornelius. Lucas, Silas, and Cornelius all ended up in the kiddie pool with warm water and bubbles. Apparently Cornelius didn’t mind that the little ones were peeing. It was adorable and I got a bunch of cousin photos. Lucas really loved Con (short for Cornelius) and Con really didn’t know what to do with him. It was pretty cute watching the boys copy con as he put bubbles all over his face. Eventually there were too many bubbles on his face and Lucas got pretty freaked out. I guess you (as in Roselle and Mark) are pining for photos so I’ll offer one up. I’ll get the rest up on my woomp shortly. OK nevermind, I went nuts so here’s a bunch of photos.

One more thing.  Someone got to my blog by googling “house wifes looking for love”  Ew.

K not too exciting but I bought an umbrella tree yesterday for my new pot. It’s going to get very very very big. I like buying them little so I can watch them grown

Ikey in his bumbo this morning. His nose looks extra pug-like this morning. It’s blurry…sorry.

Fun in the pool

Silas is always holding his pee pee

more fun

Silas’ buttcheeks!

Brent and Ikey the other day wearing their rocker T-shirts. Note what Ikey’s really says. He he he. If you don’t know who AC/DC is then you wont get it…oh well.

 

Happy Birthday Isaac!!

Ikey is three months old today. Man I wish I had a birthday every month. That’d be so cool. So now I guess I fill you in on all things Ikey. Right now he’s sitting in his bouncy chair in a stripped onsie that his cousin Cornelius wore 10 years ago. The bouncy chair almost touches the ground under the weight of his pudgy body. Silas just tried sitting on him. In the last 10 minutes Silas has also laid on him (gently) for a cuddle, tried to pick him up, kissed him, stroked his head…etc. He’s a very gentle and loving big brother, it’s amazing.

Isaac is around 18 pounds now. He’s so stinking fat and I love it. We’re switching to 9 month clothes soon…my goodness. He’s also recently found his fist and he consentraits very hard to get it into his mouth. He usually brings his hands together and then slowly raises them towards his mouth. A few days ago they usually hit somewhere around his forehead but now he’s getting it right. They learn so fast. I stick him in his bumbo chair with the tray on and a toy and he focusses SO hard on the toy and tries to get it. He’ll get it in a few weeks no doubt.

Isaac is a VERY social boy. It’s unreal how much he loves to just sit and talk to you. He’s very different from Silas in that way, Silas wouldn’t make a lot of eye contact and he wouldn’t chat either. Ikey likes my face most (another thing that Silas was different about…Silas didn’t care if it was me or Satan) and his eyes will light up brighter and he will smile bigger if he sees me. I love that. He just gave Silas a big bright smile. Silas is now smelling his hair. Now he has his head on Ikey’s chest and saying “cuddle cuddle”. Darling boy.

Ike follows people around the room now which is nice to see…good to know he can see well now. I always feel so bad for them when all they can see is blur and faces coming in and out of focus.

Isaac can giggle now and he does it when I bounce him or when he gets tickled. He’s very ticklish and ever since birth he’s really loved bouncing, it’s how he’s best soothed. (Silas is now saying “hellooo Ikey, boogey boogey,”) I love his giggles, they make me melty. My face usually hurts after Ikey is giggling because I’m smiling so hard.

Nursing him still sucks but I’m dilligent. I’m going to try and train him to take a bottle so I can have a break and have dates and whatnot. I think it’s best for me. I’ll still nurse most of the time…he just needs to learn the bottle for all of our sanity.

Anyway, I’ve grown to completely adore my Isaac. He’s such a darling, I love him with all of me. He’s such a happy boy. I need to rock him to sleep now. He’s been asking for it for a bit now.

My Little Problem

I have this little problem that becomes a really big problem in certain situations.  The formal name for it is adult ADD but I don’t like using it.  Whenever I talk about having ADD everyone gets quiet.  Family members especially.  No I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with ADD.  My counselor and I came to that realization and I have almost all of the symptoms plus it’s hereditary and my dad has it.  I always thought I had it but I was never as bad as someone we know that has it so I guess that’s why I went so many years without being diagnosed.  Once we talked through it and came to the conclusion that I have it I felt SO much better about myself.  Sometimes I don’t think it’s a disorder but I personality type.  It does not allow you to learn the conventional way and it does not allow you to live the conventional way.  I don’t think in the conventional way either.

Lately it’s been soooo much worse than normal.  I can’t answer simple questions like “where’s the milk?”.  I know the answer but I can never find the word for it.  It takes me all day to drink my cup of coffee because I forget about it.  Any task right now seems like it’s a mountain to climb.   On Sunday even getting up to pee was a battle of the mind.  “Get up Leah, go pee…it hurts”.  I’m getting so down about it lately, I just want it to go away.

It’s so hard for people to understand it.  A person with a typical brain would just think that if your house is messy you clean it, if you have to pee then go pee, if you have a paper due then write it.  But it doesn’t work that way in my brain.  Everything is 100 times harder for me too accomplish if it’s a task I don’t feel like doing.  I feel that way about people with mental issues that I don’t have but who still seem like normal people.  There’s some people with fetal alcohol effects that have been adopted into my family and I just think the same way about them sometimes.  Why can’t you just be this way?? I can!  But it’s the same, you just can’t.  Your mental connections are just different.

I always feel judged about how I live, how my house is kept, how I deal with situations.  Everyone else can handle two children and keep their house tidy…why can’t Leah?  People try and offer up suggestions like telling me to make a list.  I do make lists and then I go on to something else like blogging and I’ll find the list a month later and be like “oh ya, I need to clean my bathroom….ooo look a fly on the wall”.

Anyway, I truly wish I was like everyone else.  I hate being like this, everything a battle, every stupid task a battle in my mind.  I hate the stupid awkward silences I get when I bring it up, like people don’t believe me and I shouldn’t ever use it as an excuse…I just don’t bring it up anymore.  People don’t understand the disorder…once I told someone I have it and they said “you don’t have ADD, you’re not stupid”.  *sigh*.  It really seems like no one believes me when I bring it up…thus the silence.
I do feel really under-supported  in this area of my life.  I seem to be the only one of my siblings graced with this issue…one sister shows some symptoms but she’s high functioning in the areas I’m not.  This problem has haunted me my entire life, always feel like I was lazy and I wasn’t as good as everyone else.  Spending lunch time and recess alone because people didn’t like the hyper girl.  Always getting report cards back saying “Leah needs to apply herself more”.  Always feeling bad that my house isn’t clean and I haven’t managed to get myself dressed by the time my husband gets home.  As much as this has made me unique, I hate it.  I feel like I am losing to it even though a while ago I was feeling like I was rising above it.  There’s so much chaos in my life right now so when that happens I can’t function properly.  I feel so badly when I’m a guest at other people’s houses.  When there’s so much company and chaos I go into cocoon mode.  I actually almost physically cannot make myself move to help out or anything.  Sometimes I can but usually I feel glued to the couch or chair, it’s embarrassing.  I’m also tired of the perma-bruise on both shoulders, I can’t properly analyze space so when I go through a doorway or around a corner I hit my shoulder on the door jam or corner…you’d think I’d learn by now but I don’t and dangit it smarts.

I’m just needing a good vent…perhaps I’ll have a good cry about it too.  I just can’t help but feel bad about myself for it lately.  I feel bad for my kids who sometimes I actually forget about mid-way through a diaper change…so they’re just laying there un-diapered with their mommy in the kitchen because she’s suddenly decided to fill the dishwasher.  Don’t worry, they’re never there long….I can’t actually fill the entire dishwasher before getting distracted by something else and then I see them.  There’s never been any accidents.

I wish I knew what it felt like to be driven, to feel real motivation not just a flutter of it here and there.  I feel like I could accomplish so much in my life if only I was motivated.  I really don’t know what that’s like.  I know what it’s like to by hyper focussed on something only to lose interest in it after a while.  I’ve never actually felt true motivation for any long period of time unless all of me completely wants it.  Usually there’s a factor in it that I don’t want to do so the motivation goes away.  Bye motivation.  Good thing I love everything about blogging or else you’d all be left in the dark.

Mugs

This is my plea.  Stop making mugs, stop gifting mugs.  I know it’s tempting but resist the temptation.  Lets boycott the over production of mugs and the people who gift them.  If they stopped the mass mug production we’d still have enough mugs on Earth for at least 100 years.  I think.  Stop the mugs.

Scars and Scabs.

About 5 years ago I was on my way to getting super duper depressed.  This depression lasted quite a while, I was in agony, my skin was uncomfortable..literally.  I tried drugs but they made it worse.  I would sit in class in College and pinch myself to cover up the pain inside.  I failed almost all of my classes and quit my dream schooling.  I was taking a worship arts course at Columbia Bible College.  I wanted to lead worship.  After the storm was over I was left a changed person.  A girl who once wrote song after song after song, who was fun-loving and full of energy, who was up for anything was gone.  I was left tired and with no energy.  I haven’t written a song since that Christmas.  I haven’t hardly felt that surge of excitement for life since.  I’ve been scarred it’s gone.  I’ve been damaged from it.  Unwillingly changed as a person.

Lately, though, I’ve been getting flashback surges.  Like right now I’m feeling the spice of like that I once felt.   That really good feeling where I can’t get enough of life.  Where I feel like I could be silly or dance around or go mountain climbing or decide to dye my hair purple on a whim.  I don’t know much about this, I wonder if I am scarred for life from that event.  Am I forever going to be a slug or will the spice come back?  I generally and a very happy and fulfilled person.  I just don’t feel the spice so much.  I don’t ever feel like hanging out with people or leaving my shell of a home.

These flashbacks I’ve been feeling have given me hope that this person isn’t actually me.  That I’m waiting to come out some day.  They’ve been appearing more often. Perhaps it’s not a scar and it’s just a scab.  This great feeling I feel inside today makes me feel sooooo good.  I wish I knew the trigger.  I wish I could be promised that I’ll have it again soon.  I don’t know many people who miss themselves but I sure do.

I’m Famous??

The other day I gathered my courage and stepped on the scale.  I haven’t been a good eater lately I must confess.  When there’s this much chaos in my life I have a hard time staying controlled in all areas.  So I’ve been eating poorly.  I was very surprised when I stepped on the scale though, I’ve still lost about 6 pounds in the past few weeks putting me at a (whopping) 166 pounds.  Woooot….the 160′s feel better than the 170′s.  Why the heck did I still lose weight?  I’ve heard a lot lately about the stress hormone cortisol that makes you fat when you’re stressed.  I was VERY stressed the last little while and moving to my house released a lot of that.  I knew I had a better metabolism than what was going on…I just knew it.

Isaac has been giggling.  It’s wonderful.  I actually worked myself breathless and sweaty yesterday just to squeeze out some of those WONDERFUL giggles, they make my heart go pitter patty pat pat.  I love it.

Here’s a story for you, you’ll like this.  Remember my excess in nipples? And remember how they’re going to be in a documentary?  Well, I recorded my bit, lactation and all and uploaded it onto their server and I never actually thought to ask how this documentary will be broadcast.  I just thought it was a little thing just for fun, perhaps for a contest?  Well how wrong am I?  Apparently it’s going to be shown on Channel4 in the UK.  One of their more popular stations.  HAH.  Oops.  I guess now a lot of people are going to be watching my extra nipple lactate when I say “mmmm”  yes, I said “mmmm” in the film.  Ha ha.  Could it really be any more funny than that?  I had a hard time believing it all but I’ve seen photos of them filming and some footage now so I guess I have to believe it all.  I guess I’m famous soon.  If I ever go to the UK I’ll have a bunch of people coming up to me asking me to make my nipple lactate.  I don’t quite know weather to cry or laugh.  I think I wanna do both because it’s all pretty freaking cool.  I can’t wait to tell my doctor.  I can’t wait to see it.  Here’s a clip for you to view of some dude, I think he’s a politician.  It makes me giggle when he says mammary.

Anyway, today we’re doing some organizing.  I guess I should hop to it then.  Ooooo Jill is coming to visit tomorrow and I’m REALLY excited!

Mostly Photos

I got a little excited yesterday. I was trying to figure out how to make my dragon tree sprout more branches and whatnot and I got into pruning and then I just went a bit scissor crazy on my house plants. I’m so excited though. I love caring for my houseplants and actually they love me a lot too. I’m excited about all the things i learned I can do with my dragon tree…I’m going to make it look COOL. I pretty much spent my entire afternoon researching how to properly prune stuff. I only cut one branch off my rubber tree to make sure it was all true. I really should cut it back a bit more. Jennie…let me at yours!! I need to do a bunch of re-potting which means I’ll have a bunch of beautiful empty pots so I’m going to HAVE to buy some more plants to fill them Brent will be thrilled I’m sure. I’m slightly in love with my house plants and I stare at them a lot. I bought all of them really small because I want to be the one who grows them big. *sigh* wonderous houseplants. It’s funny because so many people kill theirs. I hardly water mine and I think that’s the key, most people over-water. Under-watering is actually better than over-watering. Roselle….go buy yourself a plant!! Caring for my plants actually gives me an endorphin rush.

Not much to say. I had a million things in mind but I also have photos that I’ve been wanting to share. Not much else is new. Isaac still sucks at nursing and Silas is still talking more and more every day. He’s been ending every sentence with “Silas” now for some reason. It’s very cute. Last night he was singing all of the words to Lullaby by Josh Groban and Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Brent and I both got teary. It’s such a beautiful song and hearing Silas sing it is just so wonderful. My little artistic boy, just like Mommy. I think the rest of this will be filled with photos. Enjoy!

I gave Lucas a haircut and he cried the whole time. I had to style fun too. Like my blue wall?

I was trying to get a photo of Ike and I all smushy and happy but he just cried.

I let Silas hold Isaac yesterday and he wouldn’t let me take Isaac back. Eventually Ike was crying a lot so I had to and Silas freaked out. He loves his brother.

Isaac looks so comfy…ha ha

New dining room color. It’s not dark enough

pretty blinds

and my pretty blue wall!

Thursday Thirteen #6

Thirteen Things about Pluckymama

Thirteen things I want to be when I grow up

1. A rock star

When is someone going to discover me? I did get to sing a few times with Brian Doerkson but he never got me signed ( I guess he’s also not a rock star…but a star non the less). One day though…one day.

2. I’d like to be a nutritional consultant

Helping people lose weight would be an amazing feeling. I just want everyone to be healthy.

3. I’d like to be a house flipper

It just looks cool and I’m super interested in it.

4. I’d like to be a church secretary

I have a weird thing for office supplies. I think I’d made a really good secretary…a church setting wouldn’t be terribly stressful.

5. I’d like to be the owner of a coffee house

With my ability to make good food and my snobbiness about a good cup of joe, I think I could have a pretty cool coffee house. Plus I just think I’m smart enough to make it all work.

6. I’d like to be a restaurant critic.

I’m getting a pretty good palate and I think I’d be a good strong critic. Plus I like eating food so much that I’d really enjoy it. PLUS I love it when people listen to my opinion….doesn’t everyone like that though?

7. A hairdresser

I’ve already been this but I guess I should put it in here. I need to still give it a fair chance. My last experience sucked so bad that I’m turned off of it. But I’m good at hairdressing and I do enjoy the quick gratification I get from the job.

8. An animal trainer.

I’d love to work with animals for a living. Any animal would do. I think sea animals would be best because I’m allergic to most fuzzy things.

9. An abused animal saver person

I’d love to rescue animals and rehabilitate them so they can be part of a loving family

10. A vocal teacher

I actually and pretty qualified to do this already. I’d be doing it now but can’t play piano and I refuse to teach lessons without being able to sight read on the piano. Some teachers don’t and it’s weird. Dangit, shoulda taken those lessons more seriously.

11. A nurse

Now not just any old nurse (icky). I’d like to either work in the NICU, or that lady at the doctors office who gets to burn off warts and rinse the wax out of people ears. Too much fun.

12. A counselor

Helping people deal with their problems is something I enjoy. I have a wide understanding of depression because I’ve been there a lot. I think I’d make a good counselor, too bad you have to like…do university.

13. A music video director

Ya I think I’d rock at this, plus it would be too much fun.

Mung

I have a sensory experience that I’ve set up for you all. This requires no tools and you’ll actually get to SMELL Isaac. Who’s excited? Let’s begin: take a finger and insert it into your belly button, now move it around and create some friction for some heat. Do this for about and minute and then dislodge your finger from your belly button. Now bring your finger to your nose and take a good wiff. (I know you’ve all done this before, smelling your finger more than once.) There, now you know that Isaac’s folds smell like today. Don’t you feel closer to us now? You can get the same results by fondling a earring that’s been in your ear for a while. My husband named this smell “mung”. Isaac smells like mung in his crusty folds. I think it’s time for a bath. Isaac is also especially sweaty today and I hate burping him against me because his sweaty hair touches my face and it feels like a gross sweaty hug from a baby, which it is in fact. I’d prefer a non sweaty baby hug.

Silas was mad that I took my cell phone away from him yesterday. He was talking to “Grandma”. He paced the house and yard for a good 45 minutes yesterday talking to Grandma on the phone. I got a text message from Jules and I wanted to read it and he was FURIOUS. He smacked Isaac SUPER hard in the face and Isaac was very upset, he didn’t breathe for a while. I took Silas to his crib right away for a time out and raced downstairs to comfort Isaac who, from being incredibly upset, threw up all of his lunch on me. It went down in my bra and all over him. I had to just sit there, in the stink of the vomit, and hold him to calm him down. I was thinking to myself at the time “this is what being a mother is, cuddling your child in their own vomit while they attempt to calm down”. In a way, it’s slightly beautiful…in a way. I was extremely upset with Silas and I made him play in his room until Brent came home. I was rescuing him from myself because I was so very angry with him. We’ve come miles with the hitting thing and it only happens when he’s super mad. This was SUCH a loud smack. I think I wouldn’t have been so mad if it didn’t make Isaac hurl a load in my bra making me change into a horribly uncomfortable bra and then try and continue to nurse a fussy baby with under-wire digging into me and a load of sweat colaberatively pooling between us. Silas was very happy to see Daddy come home and be rescued from his room.

I now have a confession to make. This entry seems to be on a track of grossness and badness so I might as well confess something that should be confessed for the sanity of other mothers who believe corporal punishment is wrong. I got Silas to, for the most part, stop kicking me during his diaper change. I’ve tried EVERYTHING and I was tired of being beaten and bruised by his little club feet that attack me with every change. So I did it, I pinched him, right on the back of his leg and then I did it again when he kicked me again. It didn’t take him long to figure it out and he’s mainly stopped. So sue me. I know my sisters wanna barf all over the floor at me right now because of past experiences of being pinched under tables. I figured this was better than a smack, he didn’t actually visually see me do anything and it wasn’t dreadfully hard. Enough excuses though, as wrong as it might have been, he doesn’t kick me anymore and I actually don’t feel that guilty. Don’t try and talk me into believing it wasn’t wrong as I still think it is. I’m weak just as everyone else is. I just promise I wont carry it into the rest of our behavior learning experiences, I just needed the kicking to stop as it hurt so damn bad.

A big thank you to the commenter’s from yesterday. Although I know there’s WAY more readers that read from Facebook. You don’t have to fess up though. If you want to secretly indulge in the daily going-on’s of that which is me, then go ahead. Perverts. JOKING!! No I really don’t care. I love it that people read and take interest. I LOVE writing and journaling. When I write in my journal I always think of people who will one day read it and so this is a better experience because people are actually reading it. I would be as honest here as I am in my journal but I do have in-laws, parents, step-parents, grandparents etc that read and I’m sure they’d rather me NOT be terribly honest. They’re a lot of my reason for writing so there. Anyway, there you go, onto other things that a housewife should be doing…like actually cleaning.

ps someone got to my blog yesterday by googling “butt rocker” what the heck people?