Hmmmmm

I’ve always had this dream to be a famous singer.  I kinda lost that dream for a while there but for some reason it’s coming back to me.  Obviously you’ve seen that because I’ve been showing you some of my songs here and here.

It’s been on my mind a lot.  Of course I’d love to have a record deal and go on tour and the whole 9 yards but I’m thinking that I just want to sing in general.  It’s my first love.  It’s my favorite thing to do.

I’ve been practicing a lot.  My poor fingers aren’t very happy with my at the moment because they’re not used to holding down guitar strings but they’re surprising me with how much they remember.  Muscle memory is so cool.

I’m going to keep practicing and hopefully start playing at some places.  I know Leanne has a place where I can play sometimes but I just want to get better at the guitar again first.  I also want to write some new songs.  I rewrote one last week.  It was a so so Christian song so I reworked it into a love song for Brently and I think it’s a lot better now.  Not because it’s not about Jesus anymore but just because it’s got more solid, less generic lyrics.  I’ll get it up as soon as it’s more solid.

Anyway, I’m so happy to be rediscovering my passion.  These past 6 years I haven’t felt much like Leah but little pieces are starting to come back and the music thing is SO welcome.  I love it so much.  But I need lots of encouragment.  Not doting…just encouragment.

Pooooor Brent

Brent came home yesterday with a raging fever.  Ooops.  I guess he caught the germies.  He doesn’t ever get sick though so I thought he could withstand my germies.  Unfortunately he can’t.  So last night I did my best to nurse the poor man back to health.  He’s on the couch right now watching sports.  Poor fella.

Last night he took his temp and it was nearing 103!!  I quickly got and absurd amount of advil into him and he’s fever broke a while later.  PHEW.  He sweat buckets the whole night though.  It’s a sweaty sickness this one.  Yucky.

I’m treating him like a baby.  Lots of care and snuggles and kisses and forehead checks.  He seems to be on the mend already though which I’m happy for.  Can’t care for another baby for too long ha ha.

Anyway, my mind and prayers are with the people in Mumbai today.  I hope to goodness that no one else dies.

Back to nursing my dear husband back to health.

On the Mend

Goodness me I’m tired.  I think my body just kicked the butt of some super duper evil germs and now it’s just exhausted from it.  It’s weird, my fever at the highest was 101.5 I think.  Nothing really happened other than a little sore throat though.  Weird for such a fever, it’s left me tired though…very very tired.  Wait, I’m always tired.  Extra tired today.

I do have a delicious pork butt in the slow cooker that’s getting to know a whole head of garlic, two onions, some mushrooms and taters.  Lucky pork butt…lucky me later…mmmmmmmm but then not lucky me…pork gives me weird tummy pains.  Oh well.  Perhaps this time I wont eat too much…BAHAHAHA.

My husband was a wonder when I was sick.  He’s so good at taking care of me.  He even went out to get me cookies…I get weird cravings when I’m feverish.

K knock on wood but my kids are actually enjoying each other right now.  It’s odd.  Usually they despise each other and scream all day.  I’m enjoying the giggles for once right now.

Anyway, I’m definitely on the mend and obviously re-inspired to blog daily which is what’s best for me.  Tell everyone I’m back K?  Start doing that annoying thing you all do when I don’t blog on a day and say “WHERE’S YOUR BLOG ARE YOU OK?? I NEED TO READ YOUR BLOG!”.

I’m glad I’m mending.  Perhaps as I mend from being sick my brain will be inspired to mend itself a little as well and perhaps I’ll suddenly start remember to…clean…

Don’t EVEN!

I was going to go all sentimental on you and do a fabulous slide show of Silas from birth until three but I got too mad at the fact that I was lame enough to save all of the photos from the first year and a half of his life in a file size so small that it can’t even be printed.  Dumb head much?? ya that’s me.  I did have the originals somewhere…I can’t find them though.  It’s moments like these where you feel like you just ruined your child’s memories.  GRRRRR.

Anyway, they were all pixilated on the slide show and it made me angry so I stopped.

I don’t have a fever today but I am still sweating like crazy.  My body is getting rid of something.  The kids have had it with me being sick.  No longer are they ok with me laying on the couch watching Court TV while I bark orders at them.  K I’ve never watched Court TV but I wanted to sound cheesy.  I’ve been watching The Food Network and feeling sorry for myself that I can’t make crispy custs and whatnot because we don’t eat gluten anymore.  Where was I??  Oh yes…the kids have had it.

But back to Silas being three…he’s really really very much three.  Tell me if this is correct: isn’t it the three year olds that ask for something then change their minds right away to something else?  Or is it three year olds tha purposely do something naughty while staring at you and smiling then continue to smile as you scold them?  All of the above?  Thought so.  I knew the terrible twos was a lie…it’s three year olds that you have to watch out for.  They’re smart enough to sneak and they actually start lying.  When do I get to send him away to boarding school?  Oh wait, yes I’m poor, NEVER.  Not that I would anyway, obviously, I like torture.

Little Isaac, on the other hand, is emptying my bookshelf and handing the books to me.  I make a big stack and put it all back so he can empty it all over again.  His communication has gone up a notch.  When asked a question he will say “no” or “OH kaaaaay”.  Oh jeepers…I’ll just show you his talking…he’s disgustingly adorable so I warn you now…beware (God made him that way so he’d survive my wrath when he’s acting like such a STINKER)

So there ya go…the bright side of all of this…I toootally lost 5 pounds while being sick.  BOOYA!  I’m in the 140′s baby…feels a lot better than those rolly polly 180′s.

Oh ya…PS…Silas’ vocabulary is really starting to pick out…GFCF diet?? MAAAAYBE.

What a psycho manic blog I just wrote.

Siiiiiiiick

Why aren’t there little elves that come take over when a mommy is sick?  Seriously, God should have considered that one.  They could come and take care of the kids, make my house spic and span, sing songs about gaily cleaning.  Wouldn’t that ROCK??

My fever was so high last night and I was shivering like nuts.  Brent came to bed and I was so excited to snuggle his warm body but he was freezing to me…even though he was sweating.

Anyway, I hurt all over.  I’ll leave you with another song I recorded.  And I just wrote a new one too!  Once I’m good at it I’ll get it on youtube.  This song is about an unnamed ex boyfriend of mine .

My Feeble Attempt at Not Being Chicken

Some of you know that I’m a musician.  About 5 years ago I played a show at my old Bible College and I let a few negative comments to get to me.  I was totally broken up about it and I just let myself believe that I suck and it’s pointless to play for people.

Being on stage makes me the most elated ever.  It’s home for me, it the best place on Earth for me.  Seriously.  I love with with all of my heart.  The bestest ever.

So I’ve been on this writers block, I haven’t picked up my guitar much in 6 years.  I’m feeling inspired for some reason.  I guess cuz I realize I don’t do a lot of things that I want to because I’m a chicken.

Anyway, I opened a new youtube account for my tunes and I only have one on there so I thought I’d share it with you.  It’s a pretty sad song, I wont give you the background on it but ya, I wasn’t abandoned by my dad, the song makes it sound like that though.  I think I wrote it when I was 17.  Keep in mind I haven’t really played my guitar in about 6 years.

Tell me what you think!  And yes mom…I know there’s a wrong note he he

Blah

Those of you who know me well will be astonished to know that yesterday I was actually considering trying anti-depressants again.  Ya, weird hey?  It was a miserable day.

I was having a pity party, a “why me” kinda day.  I know my life isn’t horrible but I feel like I’ve been dealt a lot of crappy cards and they just don’t stop coming.  I was down about that.  I was down about the fact that I’m pretty much always in a mild-severe state of depression.  Usually mild.  Ticked that I have no idea how to live up to my potential.

Once every 4 months or so I’ll have a day where it feels like everything is just right.  Not necessarily my situation but just how I feel.  I feel like I used to feel, happy, alert, sensible, energetic, etc.  I want that every day.  I miss feeling like that.  I’m not sure how to though.

I was 7 when I started on this road of depression.  At the time I was living in Prince George with my mom, Juliet and Andy.  My parents had divorced a few years earlier and my dad was in the hospital completely paralized from a bad fall that he took.  My mom was in school full time which was SO wicked of her but also very stressful.  It was an extreamely dark time in my life.  That’s when I started getting down, I was totally suicidal (which didn’t last long) and I’ve been depressed about 80% of the time since.  I wanted to die (not suicidal though) until I was 21.  It’s been 18 years of this now, most of my life.  I don’t want to hit 20 years…

I’m not miserable most of the time.  Sadness is only one symptom of depression.  I’m usually not sad.  I have the lack of motivation and energy, loss of interest in things that make me happy, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, slowed activity…etc.  I’m too sensible to always be sad.  There’s too much in my life that’s good to be sad.  But the rest of it I feel like I cann’t change, not even with a good attitude.

You see, when I do get motivated to do stuff I go haywire and clean my entire house, play with my kids like a super woman, cook an amazing supper…things I should be able to do.  And then I’m tired for about a week afterwards.  Physically drained.  Ya…manic much?

Anyway, I’m noticing the depression a lot right now because I’ve lost interest in something I love to do a lot…blogging.  I’m going to make myself keep going though, hang in there with me please.  I’m pretty bummed that I’ve lost so many readers but I’ll get things moving again.

So then I wonder…maybe I just need to give into the drugs and see what happens?  Can you tell I’m desperate?  Writing this has brought a lot of clarity to my situation actually…

Oooo and don’t go getting all worried on me.  I’m surviving.

Stinker!!

My little Isaac is becoming the biggest pain in the butt EVER!!  I didn’t know a child could be such a stinker!  I seriously believe it’s why God made them so cute, otherwise we’d throw them out the window!  *kidding of course*.

From the moment Isaac’s feet touch the floor he’s on the move.  He’s so busy!  And he gets into EVERYTHING!!  The other day he felt like he should be helpful so he stuck a bunch of laundry into my toilet!!  The NERVE!!  grrrrr.  Ha ha.

I’ve gotten really good at keeping things out of his reach because he’ll grab anything he can get his hands on.  He must always be exploring.  ALWAYS!!!

He also eats like crazy right now.  It’s driving me nuts.  It’s hard because he takes a bite, drops a bite on the floor, takes a bite, drops a bite on the floor….etc etc etc.  I could lord over the boy while he eats but…I don’t wanna ha ha.  I’m not the hovering type of mom.  I like my kids to figure stuff out themselves as much as they can.  But I’m getting sick of the food throwing.  I wonder if I buckled down for a week if he’d catch on?  There’s just so much WASTE!  Grrrrr.

Ikey is also pretty possessive of me when I’m around.  If him and I are playing then Silas will get the beats if he tries to get in there.  He can hold his own with Silas now, he tackles him sometimes when he’s mad.

Ikey also has a bit of a biting problem but only with Brent.  He enjoys biting Brent for some reason.  Juliet once had a rabbit that would only bite Brent too…I wonder if it’s an animalistic thing?? Noo??

Oh that Ikey…my little pooper scooper.  What a stinker he is.  But he’s so stinking cute!!

Birthday Time!!

Silas the great is almost THREE!  This weekend my parents are going to be here so we’re going to have Silas’ birthday party on Saturday.  Ooooo he’s going to be thrilled.  I’ve been really bad at getting together ideas for presents.

I’m wanting to get rid of all his useless stuff and replace it with meaningful things that will help him learn and whatnot.  He’s really into music so anything musical is great.  I’m sure that hardly helped.  We’ll apreciate anything

Anyway, I’m very excited to have my parents at my house for the weekend!!  They like sleeping in Silas’ room and waking up to him saying “GOOD MORNING!” and snuggling.  He’s the best snuggler ever.

Then I can toss Ikey in the room in the morning and go back to bed

100 Things About Me IV

75. I miss peanut butter a lot!

76. I never pay attention to my nails…I don’t think I even own a nail file.

77.  I secretly dream of owning my own coffee shop one day.

78.  I used to pierce my own ears.

79.  I’m going through a big R&B phase.

80. I honestly think my husband is the perfect man for me.

81.  Sometimes I think Silas is easier to deal with than Isaac.

82.  I’m secretly looking forward to the weight I’m going to lose from this gluten cassien free diet.

83.  I found my first gray hair on my head yesterday…I left it there

84.  I really like diamonds.

85.  I’ve been bad and turned back into a coffee drinker

86.  I’m more in love with my hubby today than I ever have been.

87.  Sometimes I listen to The Rankin Family.

88.  I’m kind of scared of the dark.

89.  I spend too much time on my computer.

90.  I really like the look of my feet.

91.  I can type without looking at the keyboard but I don’t type like they teach you.

92.  I really want to get back into singing but I’m too scared.

93.  I pretty much don’t do a lot of things cuz I’m too scared.

94.  I like picking at things…like Silas’ masses of ear wax, belly button lint, Silas’ nose (ikey wont let me), popping zits, scabs, anything…it excites me…

95.  I secretly wear crocs…sometimes I forget and wear them in public.  They saved my life when I was preggers with Ikey.  Don’t worry…I don’t think you’re silly if you wear them out either

96.  I can smell onions cooking.

97.  I have a freaky elbow that’s all scarred because I had a bike accident on a gravel road when I was 8.

98.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It’s hard for me to pretend to be something I’m not or feeling a way I’m not.  People can always read my face too…it’s annoying ha ha.

99.  I have hairy arms.

100.  I’ve just started reading my first political book!!  Understanding Power by Noam Chomsky!  Woooot.  I double doggy dare you to read it.