More ABC’s

Silas is passed out on the couch right now, I’m not sure whether to move him to his bed or not.  He’s all nestled in there and he looks so peaceful.  I’ll move him in a bit I think.  I just wanna crawl in and snuggle him.

So yesterday Isaac was preoccupied with with CD player…meaning opening it and taking out the CD then closing it, then opening it and putting the CD and closing it and pushing some buttons, then opening it….etc.  So Silas and I had some alone time to do something together.

Silas, of course, wanted to do some ABC stuff on his chalk board.  The other day I was drawing just parts of letters and having Silas finish them which he surprisingly did a good job at.  Then he drew an A all by himself!!  The first time he’s felt confident enough to draw something!  So yesterday I decided to work more with him on writing  his letters.

He really surprised me with how well he did.  He wanted me to be holding onto his hand while he did it and half way through we started a new system where we’d trace the shape of the letter with our finger a bunch of times before he drew it and that REALLY helped him with each letter.  I only actually helped him draw 2 or 3 letters.  I’m totally impressed.  I’ll show you photos at the end of the blog.

So on Monday we have an appointment with the pediatritian to see if Silas is still allergic to peanuts.  It’s been soooooo long since he’s had a reaction so…again, my prayers, I know you’re out there.  Perhaps perhaps perhaps God wants to take this one off our shoulders…miracle time?  Who knows…pray though…please

Anyway, PHOTOS!

Proud of his writing he was changing expressions so bad photo...don't look at the messy floor!

A B C

D E F G

H I J

K L M N

O P Q

R S T U

V W X

Y and Z!!

He’s so smart.

Well, That Was Interesting…

So, day one with the psychologist went well.  He’s a great guy and he’s very well qualified to do what he’s doing.  I liked him very much.

These questions that they give you, things you don’t think about when your first child isn’t typicial.  I don’t realize how far off the realm of “typical” that he is.  He just seems normal to me.

After going through all the questions he told me that I would be wise to start shopping for therapists and that he’s going to most likely need about 40 hrs a week of ABA therapy…which doesn’t include speech, OT or any other therapy…oh my lordy lord.

I went into the meeting just hoping for recognition that Silas needs help.  This is definitely being recognised and the guy is seeing it more as classic autism than NOS or Aspergers.  Just as we suspected.

Anyway, all in all I left happy.  Just hard to realize the bigness of it all…that’s all.

I know I know I know

Oooops, I kinda forgot about you folks .  My days have been a bit crazy, Silas and Ikey aren’t getting along so well so…I forgot.    Still love me?

Annnywhoooo.

So today I go to the clinic all by my lonesome and sit with the psychologist for two hours and talk about Silas.  The first step towards the dianosis.  Then next Wednesday, Thursday, Friday we complete it and I hope hope hopeity hope all goes well.  I just have to be certain in my answers and I have to remember everything.

So you prayers, pray for wisdom for the psychologist and speech therapist during this whole thing.  Hopefully they’ll recognise what’s up with him and give him the most fitting diagnosis.

Anyway, gotta go get ready!!

TGIF

I have head phones on right now with blaring music so I can’t hear my kiddos screaming.  So much for a quiet nap time.  I hope Ikey falls asleep.  He’s teething right now so he’s having trouble with his nap.  Silas is just grouchy pants.  Grrrrrrr.

I need some time off.  Oh well.

Anyway, lots happening but as usual, not much getting done.  I’m in zombie mode from brain overload and constantly reminding myself to stay positive.  The diagnosis starts next week and I’m nervous about it and very excited.  I’m excited to see changes and make things happen.  I can’t wait for therapy.

Anyway, it’s Friday and I don’t have much to say other than the lots I have to say but I’m not saying it yet.

Getting a Grip

I’m so at the end of my rope today. I want to smash things. I want to cut myself. I want to yell and scream and kick holes in the walls.

So…instead of bitching…I’m going to focus on the good for a moment to calm myself down.

Good things:

1.  I have a delicious, wonderful , supportive, intelligent, hunky, caring, understanding, giving, super duper wonder husband who I love love love love and he love love loves me lots and lots and lots.

2. My kids are the most dreamy and beautiful children I’ve ever seen.

3. I have great hair (don’t call me vain…I’m cheering myself up okay!?)

4. I like my ankles.

5. I have my own home and it’s safe and it’s comfortable.

6. I never feel like I need materialistic things to make me happy…and I like that about me.

7. I have wonderful sisters who are putting up with my messy life right now.

8.  I live in a wonderful country with a great health care system.

9.  Someone is paying for Silas to get diagnosed.

10.  Someone WILL step up to babysit Ikey during the diagnosis (I have faith)

11.  Both of my kids are smart.

12. The sun in shining.

13. I know I don’t talk about my faith on here but I do have a greater power I believe in who doesn’t mind it when I’m a mess, He’s holding my hand.

14. I may not have many friends but the ones I have are amazing people.

15. I get to live 3 mins away from someone who has all the same parenting and faith beliefs as me (mostly) and she happens to be my sis in law so I get to keep her forever.  Plus she’s incredibly intelligent and grounded and inspiring, boy does that make my life easier.

16. Despite the step down in pay, Brent’s new job will keep us secure through the recession.  He got in at the right time.

17.  I’m starting a new money making adventure but I’m not talking about it yet because I don’t need any more Debby Downers…but I’m STOKED about it   I’ll tell you about it when I’m making money.  It’s something I have an extraordinary passion for and I’m already in love with the people I’m working with.

k…going for 21 positives.

18.  My kids make me laugh.

19. I make myself laugh….I’m funny okay?

20. I have at least 100 people who find my daily rantings interesting…oddly enough.

21.  This one is for the secret things you can’t know about

There…positives. I don’t wanna be the person who passes the negative thinking onto her kids.  I needed a kick in the pants from myself.  I started bitching (sorry about the cussing) on my blog and then I was thinking LEAH  THIS IS INSANITY!! GET A GRIP GIRL YOU’RE LOSING IT!!!

So I feel better.  I was obnoxiously uppity to my kids which makes them smile and that made the sun poke through the clouds inside me.  So trying to stay positive.  I am a fighter in some areas and my sanity is one thing I can fight for.  I’m a smart person, I can maintain a grip on myself.  I wont let this get the best of me.  My circumstances will NOT get the best of me.  NO NO NO!!

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So, today I decided to try out this preschool thingy that was near our home.  It’s a free drop in for anyone and it’s kinda like pre-school but the parents stay.  I was really dissappointed in it actually.  The head lady did a lot of stuff wrong…like using force to get my kids to do what she wanted them to.  She was super anal about things and hardly gave the kids a chance to figure it out by themselves.  I didn’t like her at all.  I’m not really a person who disslikes people but…she aint doing it for me.  She’d bombard Silas when he was about to freak out and I kept telling her to watch out and whatnot…I kinda wish he would have hit her.  She just wasn’t listening to me.

Speaking of hitting.  Man it’s so bad right now…and I’m not helping.  I just get pushed to that point and I snap and yell at him and he’s traumatized and I feel guilty.  I’m not a person with a temper…at all so it drives me nuts that I lose it with Silas sometimes.  GRRRRRRRR.  Oh well, we all do it.  If an adult was hitting me so much I flip and punch their lights out.  I know it’s not the best for Silas but sometimes I think if people flip out on him every once in a while maybe he’d get it.  Or maybe that’s just an excuse I’m making so I don’t feel so bad.  I’m soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of being a punching bag.

Surprisingly enough, Isaac isn’t picking up on it.  He’s just picking up on crazy stuff like counting and whatnot.  He counted to 5 with me today but he’s just memorized it from hearing Silas do it all the time.  And I think he can recognize yellow which he called lellow like most kids do.  Silas had colors and shapes down at a super early age…I just don’t take the time with Ikey.  He wont be 30 and not know these things so whateva.

Anyway, there’s a few more free preschool programs we can check out.  I might just bring Silas and Ikey there on Tuesdays for gym day and they can run around like wild animals and they would have a blast.  The psycho teacher hopefully wont be too incredibly controlling.  She drove me nutso!!

Mr Grouchy Pants

Starting yesterday Silas has gotten extremely grouchy and irritated.  I hope it’s not the gfcf thing…hope hope hope.  He’s just GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  *sigh* I’m so so so so so looking forward to therapy with him.  I can’t wait to start seeing changes in him and start seeing him at his full potential.

I

just

cannot

WAIT!

Sounds like it’ll be happening next month if Silas gets diagnosed with autism…otherwise I guess we’re on waiting lists…he still needs help.

I’ll have a new brain please…and a side of sanity…

After a rough morning I wondered weather or not I should write what happened here or just journal it.  This isn’t the easiest thing to write but this blog is about being authentic and about saying things that most people are to scared or embarrassed to say so people don’t feel alone.

It’s been a rough morning.  I could feel things coming to a head yesterday at church.  Just so overwhelmed about life.  So upset that I just feel like I keep getting dumped on and that I’m just not capable of keeping everything together even when I get a lifeline thrown at me.

I’ve been in a state of self loathing for quite some time.  Obviously the autism news set me off.  Those who have been with me these past two years know that I’ve been thrown a lot of curve balls, some little, some very big.  So sometimes I feel as though the universe needed a place to crap, so it chose me.

So this morning, as I took a look at the money situation and tried to deal with a screaming Silas it just all fell apart.  I lost it and I lost it good.  I used to be pretty harmful to myself in my moments of losing it but over the years I’ve been able to maintain control of that urge to hurt myself.  It’s just like something switches in my brain and I just can’t cope.  I’m pretty sure it’s not normal but for someone who’s lead the kind of life I have (which I don’t talk about here…but I might one day)…perhaps it’s quite normal.  I did the only thing I could think to do.  I buried my face in my pillow and screamed my face off.  Yes, uncomfortable, yes ugly but this is reality today.

Some days I’m not sure if I have one thing left in me.  I’m a broken person, I always have been.  Most people that are close to me have noticed that I don’t really do phone calls much anymore.  I just have nothing left to give anyone right now.  Perhaps this head space is an irrational one, yes I should go back to therapy…it’s still my reality.  This is the nitty gritty on how I feel.

I’m not one of those inspiring parents of a child with special needs.  The inspiring ones are the ones who somehow seem to cope through having WAY worse than this, children who are dying or severely disabled.  Those people are warriors.  I’d die…I’d crawl into a small hole and never come out.  I can hardly hold it together with this.  But there is the autism, the peanut allergy, the asthma and Ikey’s eye problem.  All those “that wont happen to me”‘s are happening.  Perhaps in a mild way, but perhaps I just can’t handle even one more mild thing.  Sometimes I wonder how can this not be my limit?  What else is coming at me??

Brent saved me this morning.  We had a good, long talk.  One solid thing in my life is my husband.  We’re so so so in love and he’s so so so commited to me.  He’s great.  He calmed me down.

Anyway, this isn’t for pity or attention.  It’s just to be real.  I hope that someone out there perhaps feels less alone in their own life.  Because I don’t care what people know about me, that’s just how I am.  Don’t worry about me though, I’ve made it this far.

Funny Kid

Ahhh the glorious glow after having an adjustment from the chiro.  It gives me a delicious endorphine rush which truly makes me happy.  I think I’ll have to get the hips done one more time but I just feel more…aligned.

Silas was so stinking funny there.  I was on my tummy and the dr had my leg up and was loosening my glutes so Silas said “you’re bending the foot” and he grabbed my other foot and was like “okay, oh, here we go” and “helped” the chiro the whole time.  He was right in there with my neck adjustment too.  So funny.  I love that kid.  He was also very happy that Canada was written on a shirt on a wall.  He also went through the numbers on the calendar too.

I’m reading this book right now called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon.  It’s written through the eyes of a 15 year old boy with autism and he’s so wonderful and enduring.  He reminds me of Silas because he loves numbers and he also wont eat certain colors which is just like Silas.  The author doesn’t have autism but he used to work with kids who did and you can tell he has a great understanding of an autistic mind.  It’s a great read thus far.

Anyway, things are still just dandy since getting off the GFCF diet.  A bit of a relief for sure.  We have quesadillas for lunch

Ouchy

All of this cleaning I’ve been doing had lead to my stupid sciatic nerve flairing up.  My hips have needed adjusting for about a year now so I’ve finally decided to let myself pay for it and get it done.  Stupid sciatica, it sure hurts a lot!

I really want to go grocery shopping, like RIGHT NOW to buy loads and loads of delicious gluten and delicious casien.  Silas is still fine today, no extra stimming, no zoning no nothing.  So we’ll keep an eye on him but looks like we’ll be okay on this one.  It’s bitter sweet, I was hoping for a miracle but also, it’s so nice to be able to just have the peanut allergy to deal with.  SO nice.  Silas is surely enjoying his Cheerios again.  Yesterday morning when I asked him if he wanted some he looked like I was nuts and then said yes.  Without skipping a beat he also quickly added in that he wanted syrup, for some reason that’s a staple for Cheerios.  I always say yes .